How Insecurity Ruins Relationships

Relationships can be difficult. They can be beautiful and wonderful, sure, but damn can they be difficult. Sometimes, without even realizing it, we make them harder than they need to be. One of the ways we do that is by making our own problem – something only we can solve – the problem of our partner, too.

Here’s an example from my own life (since that’s what this site is all about, ya know). When my husband and I first started dating I was very insecure. I still don’t have very good self-esteem, but at the time it was completely non-existent. Over the years I have gained some, but it’s a daily battle.

Let me preface this by saying that my husband was a perfect gentleman who never gave me any reason whatsoever to doubt him. He has never lied, cheated or deceived me in any way. That didn’t matter to me in the beginning, though, because my insecurities and my past experiences told me otherwise.

When we first started dating, I made my insecurities his problem, even though there was nothing he could do about it.

I made it his problem every time I questioned his (sincere) motives. I made it his problem every time I snuck around and checked his phone for communication with other women. Every time I got jealous of a female classmate or coworker, I made it his problem. And I made it his problem every time I blew an innocent situation out of proportion and accused him of cheating or lying or being deceitful, with only my insecurities as “proof” of his wrong-doing.

Luckily, I was able to sit back and realize this was wrong and unfair before it was too late. I didn’t change overnight and I still get a bit jealous from time to time, but I would never check his phone. I would never assume he was lying to me about where he was going or who he was with. I trust him entirely and my higher self-esteem has helped immensely.

Final Thoughts

I won’t deny that he has helped me with my self-esteem and insecurities, but the onus has always been on me to fix it, not him. Sure, he could dote on me and tell me how beautiful or kind or whatever I was, and that definitely helped, but when it came down to it was my problem to deal with.

This doesn’t really apply to those who are with people who lie and cheat and deceive. To those people, I say get out of that relationship immediately! This is for the people who are with good partners, who have never given them a reason to doubt them, yet they stalk and start fights over nothing because of their own insecurity and self-esteem issues.

If you are dealing with severe self-esteem issues, get help. You deserve happiness and love. And you deserve to love yourself. No matter what you think of yourself, there are people out there who would love you. Get therapy, do daily affirmations, eat healthy and exercise regularly. Above all, don’t make it anyone else’s problem. Jealousy, stalking and constant accusations are a surefire way of losing the people you love.

5 thoughts on “How Insecurity Ruins Relationships

  1. Absolutely brilliant post Hillary! I know I struggle with insecurities and they all stem from my horrible past experiences. My husband has never done anything to make me really believe he is doing something wrong, but I used to question everything. To this day I still do not feel like I am thin enough, pretty enough or smart enough, but he does his best to change my mind. Like you said, it is my problem not his and only I can fix my messed up brain. I hope you are having a good weekend and i was so glad to see your post. I always LOVE reading what you write because you are so amazing and intelligent!!

    1. Thanks, Alyssa! I am the same way. I was just thinking earlier that even though I’ve lost over 50 pounds in the last few years, I still don’t really love what I see in the mirror. I am glad that your husband does try to change your mind, mine does too! It’s definitely helpful at times, but it really does boil down to how I see myself.

      I’m sorry I’m responding so late, but thank you so much for always reading and commenting and all of your kind words! You’re a great person!

      1. WOW, you lost 50 pounds in the last few years? That is pretty amazing! I am more than certain you are absolutely beautiful Hillary, you should listen to your husband! Don’t tell him I said this, but this is one time he is actually right!! My husband gets sick of me saying I am ugly and fat. Now I think he tries to ignore me! I often think we see something completely different than what others see, but it is still what we see.

        Please don’t apologize. We all get busy and it isn’t easy to comment on everything all the time.

        Guess what!? I got a job in Greenville (where we are moving to)! I accepted it after I negotiated pay, gave my notice at my current job and lite a fire under my husband read end to move. My last day at the current job is Friday and I start the new job September 28th! I am starting on a Friday so my insurance will start November 1st!! I am so excited because I think it is the perfect job for me!!!!!!

      2. Yes, I did! Not on purpose, and definitely not in a healthy way (I just didn’t have an appetite so I just didn’t eat), but it’s all gone! Thank you so much, Alyssa! I think my husband got tired of hearing me say that, too. He took a different route, though. For instance, one time I told him I looked fat in a home video and he was like, “So work out…” I was offended until I realized that he loved how I looked, he just meant that if I didn’t like it, I should do something about it. But we do all see ourselves differently and it doesn’t help if you don’t nurture your self image some.

        Oh my gosh that’s great news!!! I’m so happy for you! I know you’ll be amazing at it, whatever it is!! Sometimes we’ve got to just do it, right? I wish you luck on getting there and I hope this new job is exactly what you need! You deserve happiness! ❤

      3. Your husband definitely took a creative way to handle things. I am sure you looked great in the video, but I guess it is true when we feel we look fat or whatever, we have to do something about it.

        I am beyond excited about the move and new job!! The new job is working for Habitat for Humanity and I think it is a great fit for me! My mother is losing her mind because we are moving 2 hours away. Honestly she is only making me more stressed and very angry. She makes kind and loving comments on my blog, but she is very manipulative and a narcissistic person! I really appreciate your kind words!
        Always remember you are an incredibly intelligent, loving, kind, compassionate and beautiful woman!!!!

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