Relationships can be difficult. They can be beautiful and wonderful, sure, but damn can they be difficult. Sometimes, without even realizing it, we make them harder than they need to be. One of the ways we do that is by making our own problem – something only we can solve – the problem of our partner, too.
Here’s an example from my own life (since that’s what this site is all about, ya know). When my husband and I first started dating I was very insecure. I still don’t have very good self-esteem, but at the time it was completely non-existent. Over the years I have gained some, but it’s a daily battle.
Let me preface this by saying that my husband was a perfect gentleman who never gave me any reason whatsoever to doubt him. He has never lied, cheated or deceived me in any way. That didn’t matter to me in the beginning, though, because my insecurities and my past experiences told me otherwise.
When we first started dating, I made my insecurities his problem, even though there was nothing he could do about it.
I made it his problem every time I questioned his (sincere) motives. I made it his problem every time I snuck around and checked his phone for communication with other women. Every time I got jealous of a female classmate or coworker, I made it his problem. And I made it his problem every time I blew an innocent situation out of proportion and accused him of cheating or lying or being deceitful, with only my insecurities as “proof” of his wrong-doing.
Luckily, I was able to sit back and realize this was wrong and unfair before it was too late. I didn’t change overnight and I still get a bit jealous from time to time, but I would never check his phone. I would never assume he was lying to me about where he was going or who he was with. I trust him entirely and my higher self-esteem has helped immensely.
I won’t deny that he has helped me with my self-esteem and insecurities, but the onus has always been on me to fix it, not him. Sure, he could dote on me and tell me how beautiful or kind or whatever I was, and that definitely helped, but when it came down to it was my problem to deal with.
This doesn’t really apply to those who are with people who lie and cheat and deceive. To those people, I say get out of that relationship immediately! This is for the people who are with good partners, who have never given them a reason to doubt them, yet they stalk and start fights over nothing because of their own insecurity and self-esteem issues.
If you are dealing with severe self-esteem issues, get help. You deserve happiness and love. And you deserve to love yourself. No matter what you think of yourself, there are people out there who would love you. Get therapy, do daily affirmations, eat healthy and exercise regularly. Above all, don’t make it anyone else’s problem. Jealousy, stalking and constant accusations are a surefire way of losing the people you love.